How to talk to your children about the Minnesota shootings

The difficult but necessary job of leading our kids through the dark

The news cycle is bad enough on a good day, but lately, the headlines have been gut-wrenching.

Enough have asked, so here it is: As someone who used to carry a gun professionally, and having watched the extensive video footage on both incidents, these shootings should NEVER have happened. A total leadership failure, and the officers involved will have to live with that death slide show for the rest of their lives. But that discussion is for another time.

We can, however, use these moments to teach and to reassure our kids.

In my book, Puddle Jumpers, I talk about preparing your children for the world, not protecting them from it. And I know that sitting across from your child to discuss things like this, in a world that can be this cruel, is incredibly tough but necessary.

We owe it to the victims of these tragedies to not look away, but to use these moments to build resilient, aware, and compassionate humans.

Here is a breakdown on how to handle these conversations, supported by research.

Ages 5 to 10

At this age, your goal is to preserve their innocence while providing a baseline of security. They do not need the graphic play-by-play of the Minnesota shooting.

Protecting: It’s ok to shield them from details they are not ready for, but I would always default to honesty, even if you just don’t know. Kids are smarter than most adults give them credit for and certainly more technologically advanced. Chances are, they will hear and see something.

The Positive: Focus on the courage of the first responders, the protesters, and the medical community. Reinforcing desired behavior is more effective than dwelling on the darkness.

Shoulder to Shoulder: A study by Dr. Dina Izenstark at San Jose State University suggests that family bonds and communication are strengthened when you are in motion together. Talk while walking the dog, shooting hoops, playing games, or driving to practice. It lowers the pressure of a heavy subject and makes children more open to conversation.

Ages 11 to 14

This is the phase where kids start noticing that life is indeed full of big, dirty puddles. They are seeing these headlines on their own.

Straight Talk: Skip the fluff. They can smell a phony a mile away. Give them the facts with respect for the victims involved.

Ordinary Magic: Dr. Ann Masten, a leading psychologist at the University of Minnesota, refers to resilience as “ordinary magic.” It is built through stable relationships with parents who do not dodge the hard stuff. I talk about this extensively in Puddle Jumpers.

Validate the Fear: Acknowledge that the world is messy. Remind them they are the captains of their own lives and talk to them about how to remain safe if they are ever in a stressful situation with law enforcement that is spiraling out of control, as we’ve seen in both these tragic shootings.

Ages 15 to 18+

By this age, your parenting style should shift from command to counsel. They are processing these tragedies as young adults.

A Reality Check: I never pulled any punches with my kids about the reality of bad news. We discuss events with gravity so they live in the know.

Process over Outcome: Psychologist Carol Dweck’s research on growth mindset is vital here. Praise them for facing hard truths and their ability to lead with empathy in a cynical world.

Safe Harbor: Ensure they know there is no question too dark for your dinner table. They need to know you are their constant tether.

We had a massive 36-hour power outage in Lisbon, and my oldest, who lives here, called me first to ask if he could come over. “I knew you’d have a plan dad”, he said to me as we were lighting candles.

These are the moments I’m talking about…

Why Presence Matters

Developmental psychology research by Elizabeth Gunderson shows that kids who are praised for their strategies and effort grow into more resilient adults. This is exactly what we taught in the Navy SEAL sniper program.

Focus on the process, reinforce the positive, and stay consistent.

Parenting is the ultimate long game. Own the wreckage, show up for them consistently, every day, and keep them close.

If this resonated, please check out what I wrote about being the calm voice here.