a gen z manual for parents
a parent’s guide to escaping the npc life and securing the family rizz
as a former navy seal, and intelligence operative, i have spent a lot of my life operating in the shadows and conducting operartions in some of the most hostile environments on the planet.
(wait…why is brandon typing in all lower case? because that’s the gen z way me answers back.)
(webb squad. hope i didn’t do’em dirty with this photo)
my book, puddle jumpers talks about the leaps of faith we take in life, but nothing has tested my patience quite like raising my three gen z kids (age 19-21-23).
if you are looking at your teenager right now and feeling like you are staring at a strange biological experiment gone wrong, you are not alone. they are communicating in a language that looks like a series of cryptic texts from a burning man psychedelic trip. they are staring at their phones with the intensity of a sniper, yet they won’t pick up an actual phone call to save their lives. real phone calls, unannounced are considered intrusive for gen z. i actually relate to this one.
onwards…
gen z isn’t lazy. they are operating on a completely different frequency. they have inherited a world that looks like a psychotic clown show, and their habits are survival mechanisms.
they aren’t ignoring you; they are just filtering out the noise (often with headphone armor) of a world that has been screaming at them since they were in diapers. if you want to win the heart of your kid, you have to stop judging the gear and start understanding how they got here.
the top 10 gen z traits and the slang you need to know
the lowercase aesthetic. they aren’t forgetting the shift key. they are choosing to look approachable. to them, a capital letter is a formal summons to court. it is loud. it is aggressive. lowercase is the visual equivalent of a whisper in a crowded room. u dig?
the death of the phone call. to a gen z kid, an unscheduled phone call is a jump scare. it is an invasive species. they prefer the calculated, surgical precision of a text where they can edit their soul before hitting send. if you call them without warning, you are basically breaching the perimeter of privacy without an invite.
main character energy. they aren’t narcissists; they are the directors of their own digital documentary. in a world where they feel like just another data point, pretending they are the lead in a movie is how they maintain a sense of self. if they have charisma, they have good rizz. if they are acting like a boring background extra, they are an npc (non player character).
the curated depression. they use dark humor like a shield. they will joke about the end of the world with the same casual tone you use to talk about the weather. it is a coping mechanism for a generation that has seen every tragedy in high definition. it is grim, but it is how they stay sane. have you seen the news lately? who can blame them.
the irony poisoning. everything is wrapped in fifteen layers of sarcasm. if they say something is mid, it is a death sentence, it means it is mediocre and forgettable. if they say it is fire or bussin, you might have actually done something right for once. I love gettin a fire text from my kids.
digital activism. they care about things with a ferocity that would make a south american revolutionary blush. they will try to save the planet from their bedroom. if you aren’t helping, you are part of the problem. they have no room for flakes or people (and or brands) who are cap (lying).
if you post a photo of them that is not good it’s clapped or cringe.
the side hustle obsession. they know the old 9 to 5 is a scam designed by orange haired suits. they are looking for the exit strategy before they even start the race. they want to secure the bag without selling their soul to a cubicle. and who the hell can blame them?
ghosting as a boundary. if they stop talking to someone, it isn’t always a lack of manners. it is a planned retreat. they don’t have the stomach for the long, drawn out drama of a breakup, so they just vanish into the digital fog. it is a stealth exit. they do this in the workplace also and call it quiet quitting.
brain rot content. they consume snap and tiktok videos that look like a strobe light in a blender. it is fast, it is weird, and it makes no sense to you. things like skibidi or ohio might pop up in their speech. do not try to understand it. it is digital white noise meant to drown out the screeching of a world gone mad.
the search for authenticity. they can smell a lie from a mile away. if you try to act cool or use their slang incorrectly, they will call you cringe. it is the ultimate insult. just be the lighthouse. be steady, be real, and keep the light on.
at the end of the day, these kids are navigating hard landscape that would make a hardened navy seal think twice. stop worrying about the grammar and start looking at the human being behind the screen. they need a parent who leads with heart, and by example.
do as you say and they will follow.
on god, if your pookies are acting lowkey mid and giving npc energy in the fam group chat, don’t let them do you dirty with a jump scare 0.5 selfie just because you are sleeping on the rizz.
if you ate this up, share my post for the culture. we aren’t sleeping on the family connection. boost the signal. stay based.
imma head out.
brandon
please buy my puddle jumpers rizz here.
gen z (& alpha) dictionary: top 50 terms
rizz: short for charisma. your ability to attract a partner or own a room.
mid: mediocre. the worst thing something can be.
cap / no cap: lying / i am telling the truth.
bussin: when food or an experience is exceptionally good.
slay: doing something incredibly well. a term of high praise.
cringe: anything that causes physical second-hand embarrassment.
npc: non-player character. a mindless follower with no original thoughts.
ate: you did that perfectly. “she ate that.”
left no crumbs: did something so well there is nothing left to improve.
delulu: delusional. usually in a fun or hopeful way.
bet: okay, i agree, or “it is on.”
bruh: a universal sound of disappointment, shock, or “really?”
finna: i am going to (fixing to).
gyatt: an exclamation used when someone sees something impressive (usually physical).
main character energy: acting like the lead in a movie; confidence.
it’s giving: it reminds me of a specific vibe. “it’s giving 90s.”
opps: opposition. enemies or competitors.
period / periodt: the end of a statement. no further discussion.
pookie: a nickname for a close friend or partner.
rent free: when you can’t stop thinking about someone or something.
salty: being upset or bitter over something minor.
shook: deeply shocked or surprised.
stan: an obsessive fan or supporter.
sus: suspicious. short for suspect.
tea: gossip. “spill the tea.”
touch grass: go outside. stop being so chronically online.
valid: something that is acceptable or understandable.
vibe check: assessing the energy of a person or room.
yeet: to throw something with force or a general exclamation of excitement.
based: being yourself and not caring what people think; authentic.
ghosting: cutting off all communication without explanation.
glow up: a massive transformation for the better (usually physical).
go off: encouragement to someone speaking their mind.
gucci: everything is good.
hits different: when something is significantly better than usual.
lowkey: secretly or subtly.
highkey: obviously or loudly.
on god: i am telling the absolute truth.
ratio: when a reply to a post gets more likes than the post itself (an L).
ship: wanting two people to be in a relationship.
simp: someone who does way too much for their crush.
snack: someone who looks very attractive.
snatched: looking sharp, tight, or well-put-together.
squad: your core group of friends.
tea: the truth or juicy information.
understood the assignment: did exactly what was needed perfectly.
w / l: win or loss.
zesty: someone who is acting a bit flamboyant or extra.
sleeping on: ignoring something that is actually great.
dead / deceased: when something is so funny you can’t breathe.
get to highkey bussin!
you are either highkey bussin or not!